Fear Of Failure.

I feel so overwhelmed with everything. All this revision just seems to be going in one ear and spilling out the other. I feel ill, im eating like crap and urgh :(

Impressing guys or just competeing with other girls?

Ok, so i havent made an entry for a few days because i have been in blackpool and while i was there i came up with a few things to write about here, because i have found out that people are actually reading my blog haha!

Well, i went to blackpool with my brother and john, so in true theme park fashion i was wearing a baggy pair of jeans, a hoody and a waterproof ... but i was struck by the number of girls that were there in their high heels, full face of orange makeup and leopard print coats. Especially when they came off valhalla with the orange running down their faces ... they looked ridiculous.

But i started thinking about something i have heard loads of times, do we worry about our appaerance to look good in front of girls? I mean, yeah i wanna look good to attract a man, but at the same time my weight doesnt bother me unless im going to be with other skinny girls, it effects the way i eat aswell.

For example, when i was in blackpool surrounded by my parents and the boys i ate like a total pig. Im saying full english breakfast, hotdogs, all you can eat pizza buffet, donuts, mcdonalds the works. If i had have been there with girls i would not have eaten half as much/badly.

On that note ... dmu summer ball is 12 weeks away and i need to get my fat ass into shape. 3 day juice detox maybe?

True Friendship.

Ok, so those of you who remember, last year one of my best friends went off with my boyfriend and i was almost about to forgive her, until the other day when she made the comment that actually she didnt understand why i was upset, because after all, i said we had had a few arguements before we split up ... oh cause that makes it all alright?

So anyway, ive been going out with john a couple of times. And he is one of my best friends, no sexual attraction on either part. Hes like a brother, and i realised how much he has been there for me over the past year. Like it was him who took me out to thorpe park to cheer me up from the split, and i truly dont know what i would do without him. Its not often friends come along like that.

Today also, i went out with Leanne, and while i was slagging off the for mentioned girl, i realised she was sat across the room from me. It made me realise though, i wasnt bothered if she heard. Shes not my friend. Best friends dont do that to you. I have learnt a lot from my best friends over the years.

John taught me that sometimes it the most random of people that will pick you up when you are down.

Leanne taught me that friends dont have to see each other everyday to still be close.

Emily taught me that even if youve been a bitch and neglected your true friends for a while, if you say sorry and truly mean it, they will always be there for you.

Bethan taught me that sometimes you just have to smile, even though you dont feel like it.

Katy taught me the meaning of truly loving a friend, and how much it hurts to not be able to help them.

Charlotte-Lucy xoxo

Love vs Lust.

In all honesty, what have i learnt about love and lust? And where have i learnt it from? Something i have been pondering today really. I mean, Jay, my first boyfriend. I dont think that was ever a question of love or lust. I feel that was more about the feeling of being wanted by someone else. The kisses, and the holding hands was just perfect really. But there was still the public awkwardness i think. And although i felt bad ending it at the time, i think in hindsight it was for the best, and now were good friends.

Hindsight? Its a beautiful thing isnt it?

Now Owain. To be honest it doesnt matter how much he hates me now, i dont actually hate him. Its weird actually. I feel nothing. Im literally sat here and i feel no emotion towards him now, which is haunting. For nearly three years he was everything. And although the end of it hurt me more than anything i have ever experienced before, i truly loved him. And i think we both learned a lot from each other. Of course, he will always be my first love. And i will always be his. Like it or not.

Then, since ive been at uni, have i been craving that feeling again? I mean with the guy my friends either refer to as the twat or the dick, it was all about lust and revenge, and its a mistake ive made a few times since. I think today i have come to realise i need to put this mistake in the past. And Jake ... lets not go there. I dont even want him as a friend now. He can play the innocent face if he wants. Im no longer concerned. I wish him a happy life, away from me.

So the question lies, love or lust? Which one. Well, in my experience, being in love was amazing and terrible at the same time. It was the feeling of waking up with butterflies knowing that there was someone out there thinking of just me. But at the same time, it was the terror, that someone could take this all away at any moment ... and in the end my so called best friend did. Making Love and Sex are two totally different concepts, and both have there merits. Making love, when your body seems totally connected to the one that you love is amazing. Its euphoric and feels like it lasts forever. But when that kind of connection breaks down i think its important to have relations in a more relaxed way for a while. Im not saying sleeping with everything that moves, on the contrary. Go on a few dates and have some fun.

I cannot say which one i prefer. Both are amazing at the right times.

Onwards and Upwards girls, Im ready for whatever experiences life wants to throw at me :)

Charlotte-Lucy

The Call.

So, it hasnt even been 24 hours since my interview for the dream job and yet i have spent the whole day waiting for the phone to ring. Feeling sick. Jumping every time it rings and then feeling a little disheartened when for the 6th time its my dad ringing to ask if ive heard anything yet. Or to talk to me about blackpool.

I have spring cleaned the flat. I have dusted, i have bleached, I have sorted, I have thrown away.

I have watched married single other and cried.

And now i intend to eat this whole packet of cookies while watching sex and the city ... and waiting for the call.

Poorly Days.

So I am poorly :(

I dont like being ill, I have to just keep going. I am now a student nurse, who has two jobs, who is also trying to get down to a size 8 before may, who is through with guys, who needs to get fit for the raf and who wants to look good at the same time :)

wow. mindfuck.

13.3.2010

Well, I am truly aweful at this blog writing thing. The boy totally messed me around, i knew it would happen. So no longer wearing the heart on the sleeve.

Im joining the RAF once im 23. so i need to get my ass into gear. Bye bye boys.

Grow up and come speak to me in a few years.

Also purple hair :)